I've been in a huge daze over celebrating the holidays. The season came so quickly and felt so unholiday-like. The festivities seemed much more minimal, I didn't bake any amazing holiday cheesecakes or cookies, and worked a buttload - including Christmas. Yeah, this holiday season was not the average American Christmas. But mine are never average, anyway. Probably more like below average, if such a thing exists...
Okay, so maybe I sound a bit pitiful. I am really not in a pitiful mood, nor have I been. Reflective would be a good word to describe the mood I've encountered in the last few months. A reflection on who I am, who God has made me, and who He is molding me into. I must admit, that upon this season and the loneliness that most people would expect me to feel, I have felt more joy and contentment more than ever. I think it's weird, too. I'm usually one to feel sorry for myself - feeling sorry that my entire immediate family is dispersed across the world and the fact that I'm pretty much alone for the holidays while everyone else is spending tons of quality time with their families. It's okay, though. God is bringing stability very powerfully into my life.
It's easy to find ways in which you are different from everyone else, because, well, everyone is different from everyone. Right? So we sit in our "woe-is-me" chair and sulk in the reflection of how our lives suck so much more than anyone else's life. "Suck it, world!" I've said that several times, but probably with more angst and with much more words than that. For me, it's so easy to get stuck in Monica World. It's all about me, it's what I don't have, it's what I want, how people are treating me; "why this? why that? what about me, God!?" It's normal. Yup, it really is.
But not for me this time.
I didn't say much of those words this time around. I won't lie, though, I did one day. But just one day, and very briefly. Reflecting back on the holiday season, I can say this is a huge step for me. I'm pretty sure I spent at least two straight days last year, crying and sulking during Christmas week because I felt so alone. I didn't cry once this year! Hip, hip, hoorah!
I think I know why.
God has created me to be selfless. It is a call to love. While working in the food/retail/coffee industry these past 7 months, I am learning what it means to be selfless. Huge lessons are learned such as the one I posted in "Ah, the joys of Starbucks Partnerhood." I am learning who I am in this culture that I was raised in, and slowly and gallantly discovering how being a Christian is not even close to my culture at all! Sheesh, our American culture screams, "I am selfish!" We are the fastest, most effective country, each on a mission to be successful and to reach gloriousness because we have our entitlements to live in the pursuit of happiness, while at the same time we seem to leave others in the dust of our endeavors, most of the time leaving others unhappy, and unloved. What good is it to only live for ourselves? I've discovered that it is no good. And so my conclusion to my progress is that I've had much more of a desire to put others before myself, and reevaluating my days to make sure that I have. It's not always a successful day, but everyday only gets better and better.
Serving others makes me a much more happier human being.
And I like it.
Now that it's a new year, I want to make this a goal (resolution?) of mine. To serve others better, and to think about others more than I think about myself. This will be super hard for me. But Lord be with me, because only He will carry me through this impossible endeavor.
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