I'm Sorry

To whom it may concern,

I'm so, so, so sorry. I am a huge mess, a blown up bomb of a disaster. I can't begin to understand myself and put me back together. I am confused, lost and lonely, yet I am also joyful, independent and free. I can't reconcile the two sides of myself. I can't find a balance, and I can't contain the anxiousness of life's potential that lives within me. I live on the edge, and I yearn for stability. Stability is not normal for me and I have yet to be trained how to become a stable human being. I'm here and there, and then here, and then back there again.

Maybe I'm crazy.

There is a deep pain within me to know I've hurt you. Twice now. There's no way I can ever know if this hurt could have been avoided. Distance is a killer. It slowly kills any potential there could ever be. I am not made for distance. I am not made to live in lack of presence. It is extremely unfortunate for us both that I am a confused crazylady.

Maybe I also have a fear of being loved well. Because you loved me well. The best, actually. Never have I felt as cherished as I did when you loved me. I had never felt so sanctified when being so close to someone. I have never been in a relationship as real as ours. I'm afraid of love, and the vulnerability that comes with it.

I didn't know this about myself until you. I'm so, so sorry that it had to be you that needed to happen to me for me to figure this out. I have no clue if I'll ever find anyone like you. I hope I do. But I'm not as hopeful right now. You are one amazing guy, you really are. I can't believe I've rejected such a gift. But it's a gift I seriously don't deserve right now. I have so much to learn, and so much to figure out.

I'm sorry for the hurt I've caused you. I'm sorry for the frustration you feel, and the defeat you have encountered. But one thing I do know.

"Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:2-5.

I know you are suffering. I am. And scripture is probably not something you want to hear right now. But what hope we have, in Jesus Christ! We don't have to live in suffering forever, because Jesus Christ died for us. Suffering is redemptive because we have been redeemed through the suffering of Christ. We should find hope in this, and not in each other, because we are sinners who will always let each other down.

I'm sorry that I'm a sinner. But rejoice in the better hope you have. Jesus Christ. He is the one who is worth it. 

Monica