For Real

Admittedly, I've forsaken this blog like I usually do with all other blogs I've created. But this is not the end, no! It shall never be, I hope. So I find that pictures are quite uncomplicated and easy to post as they are clicks of a button, USB'd to my laptop, simply uploaded without an ounce of critical thinking or soul searching. Finding words to write exactly what I dare to deliberately consider with the world, the introspection I process everyday becomes jumbled at the moment I face this screen.

Nevertheless, here I am, attempting...

I find myself trapped in the words of the author of Ecclesiastes: "Vanity of vanities! All is vanity!" The sun comes up, then the sun goes down. Wearied from the day serving brew to decaffeinated and hastened humanity; a smile seems like an old fad that has faded, and slumber is the most beautiful part of your day. And even there, solitary companionship. Vanity.

Nothing makes your days go by slower then the deafening sound of your heart racing towards your pillow. There is no one and nothing there beside it. Just you. Just your down-comforter, and the ceiling is a nice view. Just, so nice.

There's that one thing besides Jesus that satisfaction desires to be found in. A companion that opens the door after a long day of work ready to eat a meal that you so proudly and joyfully made just for him. A partner to listen to as they process their day, and to pray with for even the small details that life is distracted with. A hiking partner on the weekends, a reading partner at the coffee shop, company while you drive, a friend on spontaneous adventures. A person who is there when life seems to become, well, vain.

Honestly, this is my one prayer. That all I need at the end of the day, is Jesus Christ.

I strive everyday.
I strive to be selfless.
I strive to be a servant.
I strive to be grateful.
I strive, and I strive, and I strive.

And in light of the seemingly long days at Starbucks, and in the place in which I come home to, striving can be quite easy. It is no bother to think about the things that I want. I have no trouble sulking in my tears, wallowing in my self-pity, and wounding my soul with lies in the isolation of my bedroom. Everything there is between God and me, and that's where it gets real.

God and I have this ongoing fight in which I end up quite bitter. I'm not entirely sure why this subject seems to be so difficult. Just give me what I want, good Lord. I'm tired of fighting. I really am. She's got it over there, look he's pursuing her over here, oh my, they're engaged. Love is in the air; let's oooh and ahhh.

Puke.
Sigh.
Frown.

Just think Monica, whenever God brings you your husband, it'll be His good and perfect timing. You'll think to yourself, "Wow, self, this is the best timing ever!"

But this is the perfect time. My time. I have been patient. I have persevered. I deserve this. Give it now!

Please, Lord. Tell me. When?

I honestly think these things, often. Maybe too often nowadays. Reading my inner voice typed up on this screen screams out, "Selfish! Impatient! Idolatry!" I am a horrible person. Who am I to question?

I repent.

Usually I have this huge revelation on my blog about how I should remember what is good, what is righteous, and what is holy. How suffering is good, how Jesus is even better.

And it's true. Jesus is so, so good. But it's in times like these where I have to be true to myself.

I'm hurting. I'm confused.

And it's okay.

There's a peace about this struggle that leads me closer to Him. And even in the midst of suffering, I follow Jesus through it all, even when I fight with him. I follow Him because I trust Him.

I've been extremely blessed by a hymn we've been singing on Sundays at The Gathering Church. It's called Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah. A few of the lyrics:

"Guide Me O, Thou Great Jehovah
Pilgrim through this barren land,
I am weak but thou art mighty
Hold me with thy powerful hand. 

Bread of Heaven
Feed me now and evermore. 

... 

When I tread the verge of Jordan
Bid my anxious fears subside
Death of death and hell's destruction
Land me safe on Canaan's side 

O, to finally say goodbye
Bid my anxious fears, bid my anxious fears
Land me safe on Canaan's side
Bid my anxious fears, bid my anxious fears goodbye."

I am in no place to set aside my doubts and fears. I am in a place where I must take my doubts and fears and trust God with them. I'm anxious, I'm tired, I'm emotionally exhausted. I am weak, and feel like I'm walking through a barren land. Hold me Jesus, with your powerful hand!

Help me, Lord. Bid my anxious fears goodbye.