Atrocity

Last night I was inspired at community group to look for a quote that Chris always brings up in his sermons and in his discussions. It's a quote I've always loved, but never had the chance to actually reflect on. But as I was looking for that one quote, I came across another fantastic one. When I read it, so many mixed emotions came over me, and specific people or situations came to mind, ones that I won't mention here. I read it and did a slight, "Mmmhmm," and then read it to my roommate.

"When people say, 'I know God forgives me, but I can't forgive myself,' they mean that they have failed an idol, whose approval is more important than God's" - Timothy Keller.

It was so good to be reminded of this, because I've been caught in this stupid lie before. The falsehood of forgiveness, and the justification of living in our disgusting, destructive crap that feeds our pride and idolatry. I've never said these exact words, but I've heard some who have. But it doesn't meant I don't think it, or even act it out at times. Idolatry is atrocious. It is evil and insufficient. It is cheap and pitiable, prideful and selfish.

I'm not sure if I've ever experienced idolatry to the point of feeling that I am unforgivable, but I've heard this story from others, so many times. Testimonies of people who had done "so much crap," they felt that there was no way that anyone, especially God, could forgive them. A lot of people are ashamed to even say what they've done in the past because they think it's the worst evil, ever. I think I'd resonate with that. There are things we do that we are ashamed of and we think it's stupid that we ever did them.

We either become a) guilty, or b) convicted. This is something we discussed at community group, too. The difference between being guilty and being convicted. When someone said that guilt was from God, an amazing talk about the difference arose. "Guilt has already been paid on the cross by Jesus!" Joseph said. Conviction points us upward and helps us to focus on God, guilt focuses on our inwardness, and points us away from God. We either pity ourselves, become pretty lethargic, lose hope, and think about how sucky our lives are, or, we seek God, his mercy and grace, repent and move forward.

When we are guilty, we are failing an idol. When we are convicted, we are compelled to be obedient.

It made me think of the state that we choose to be in a lot of times. It's so easy to mess up, and we always do because we're sinners. And then it becomes so easy to stay "messed up" because we feel so guilty or because it's just too hard to resist the sin that easily entangles. Just throw in the towel already, this is stupid. I can never be as good as others, I didn't grow up this way, I didn't have a perfect family that raised me in the ways of God and faithfulness, and compassion and goodness and kindness. This is not me. I can't measure up to all of you perfect Christians out there, all of you who can do everything right. Who make the right decisions, say the right things, smile on cue, and read your Bibles every single day. This is too much! There is no way.

I've been here so many times. I begin to compare myself to others, look super inward, forget every single one of God's promises, and get really bitter and apathetic to it all. This Christian walk thing just isn't my deal, yo. Then I start to see every person who is a Christian as an enemy, as someone who is judging me, who looks down on me. I eventually just enter into this downward spiral until I realize, woah, this is not ok. Or until someone confronts me because of my attitude.

I hate that.

When I'm confronted, I get even more pissed. But as time goes on, I realize that they're right, and I hate that too.

It's only when I look to Jesus, everything falls into place. It's only when I think of the cross - the extreme amounts of grace, am I okay. Which leads me to Chris Taylor's favorite Tim Keller quote:

"The gospel of justifying faith means that while Christians are, in themselves still sinful and sinning, yet in Christ, in God’s sight, they are accepted and righteous. So we can say that we are more wicked than we ever dared believe, but more loved and accepted in Christ than we ever dared hope — at the very same time. This creates a radical new dynamic for personal growth. It means that the more you see your own flaws and sins, the more precious, electrifying, and amazing God’s grace appears to you. But on the other hand, the more aware you are of God’s grace and acceptance in Christ, the more able you are to drop your denials and self-defenses and admit the true dimensions and character of your sin" Tim Keller.

The only person that I can turn to, the only faithful, reliable, gracious, merciful and just person, is God. He is what makes everything right. He turns me into a better and more sanctified person. He is love that has no bounds and it is the only unconditional love available. No human can give it, and I can't give it to myself. There is no source, no deity besides Jesus Christ, no money, power, or success can make everything okay. At the end of the day, it's about Him, and nothing else.