Cross Park, Gladstone

Every once in a while, when I've got a lot of time, I like to get away. So I go to Gladstone, Oregon. It feels like I'm going to another country sometimes, it's a place of slight unfamiliarity, yet familiar in some ways. I love Cross Park. It's a park with a river that runs through it. I love to walk along the river, think & pray. I also like to go there with friends and sing hymns really, really loud at eleven 'o clock at night, and in the summer, float the Clackamas River to Noelle's grandmother's house in inner tubes, maybe pretend to be pirates so four-year-old Matthew doesn't get too frightened by the rapids. I don't know what it is about this little town, thirty minutes south of Portland that I really love? I don't have the slightest clue. But I'm here today, sitting in Crossroads Cafe, reading Explicit Gospel by Matt Chandler. (Highly recommend this book.) Here are some photos I took this afternoon on my river walk. Enjoy <33

Atrocity

Last night I was inspired at community group to look for a quote that Chris always brings up in his sermons and in his discussions. It's a quote I've always loved, but never had the chance to actually reflect on. But as I was looking for that one quote, I came across another fantastic one. When I read it, so many mixed emotions came over me, and specific people or situations came to mind, ones that I won't mention here. I read it and did a slight, "Mmmhmm," and then read it to my roommate.

"When people say, 'I know God forgives me, but I can't forgive myself,' they mean that they have failed an idol, whose approval is more important than God's" - Timothy Keller.

It was so good to be reminded of this, because I've been caught in this stupid lie before. The falsehood of forgiveness, and the justification of living in our disgusting, destructive crap that feeds our pride and idolatry. I've never said these exact words, but I've heard some who have. But it doesn't meant I don't think it, or even act it out at times. Idolatry is atrocious. It is evil and insufficient. It is cheap and pitiable, prideful and selfish.

I'm not sure if I've ever experienced idolatry to the point of feeling that I am unforgivable, but I've heard this story from others, so many times. Testimonies of people who had done "so much crap," they felt that there was no way that anyone, especially God, could forgive them. A lot of people are ashamed to even say what they've done in the past because they think it's the worst evil, ever. I think I'd resonate with that. There are things we do that we are ashamed of and we think it's stupid that we ever did them.

We either become a) guilty, or b) convicted. This is something we discussed at community group, too. The difference between being guilty and being convicted. When someone said that guilt was from God, an amazing talk about the difference arose. "Guilt has already been paid on the cross by Jesus!" Joseph said. Conviction points us upward and helps us to focus on God, guilt focuses on our inwardness, and points us away from God. We either pity ourselves, become pretty lethargic, lose hope, and think about how sucky our lives are, or, we seek God, his mercy and grace, repent and move forward.

When we are guilty, we are failing an idol. When we are convicted, we are compelled to be obedient.

It made me think of the state that we choose to be in a lot of times. It's so easy to mess up, and we always do because we're sinners. And then it becomes so easy to stay "messed up" because we feel so guilty or because it's just too hard to resist the sin that easily entangles. Just throw in the towel already, this is stupid. I can never be as good as others, I didn't grow up this way, I didn't have a perfect family that raised me in the ways of God and faithfulness, and compassion and goodness and kindness. This is not me. I can't measure up to all of you perfect Christians out there, all of you who can do everything right. Who make the right decisions, say the right things, smile on cue, and read your Bibles every single day. This is too much! There is no way.

I've been here so many times. I begin to compare myself to others, look super inward, forget every single one of God's promises, and get really bitter and apathetic to it all. This Christian walk thing just isn't my deal, yo. Then I start to see every person who is a Christian as an enemy, as someone who is judging me, who looks down on me. I eventually just enter into this downward spiral until I realize, woah, this is not ok. Or until someone confronts me because of my attitude.

I hate that.

When I'm confronted, I get even more pissed. But as time goes on, I realize that they're right, and I hate that too.

It's only when I look to Jesus, everything falls into place. It's only when I think of the cross - the extreme amounts of grace, am I okay. Which leads me to Chris Taylor's favorite Tim Keller quote:

"The gospel of justifying faith means that while Christians are, in themselves still sinful and sinning, yet in Christ, in God’s sight, they are accepted and righteous. So we can say that we are more wicked than we ever dared believe, but more loved and accepted in Christ than we ever dared hope — at the very same time. This creates a radical new dynamic for personal growth. It means that the more you see your own flaws and sins, the more precious, electrifying, and amazing God’s grace appears to you. But on the other hand, the more aware you are of God’s grace and acceptance in Christ, the more able you are to drop your denials and self-defenses and admit the true dimensions and character of your sin" Tim Keller.

The only person that I can turn to, the only faithful, reliable, gracious, merciful and just person, is God. He is what makes everything right. He turns me into a better and more sanctified person. He is love that has no bounds and it is the only unconditional love available. No human can give it, and I can't give it to myself. There is no source, no deity besides Jesus Christ, no money, power, or success can make everything okay. At the end of the day, it's about Him, and nothing else.

Dunes and Fellowship

Pictures of Pacific City/Adri's 21st Weekend.
Adri's parents rented out a sweet house on the hill above the pub I visited in Pacific City, a block from the shore. What an amazing weekend with friends who love Jesus, and what a refreshing rest from work -- much, much needed rest. Adri's parents fed the heck out of us, too. I am nourished to the max. We also climbed and surfed some sand dunes while we were at it. Some manini dunes, and some hunk-a-hunk humangous sand dunes. Once we were at the top of the giant dune, there was a gorgeous, breath taking view of the ocean, along with some sweet paths to the edge of cliffs where you could feel the water crash upon the rocks. Not only was the view amazing, the weather topped it off. Sun, sun, and more sun, with not one cloud in the sky. How good is the Lord?

Dance Parties

Beautiful Birthday Girl

Giant Sand Dune

Dorrie (new 14-year-old friend, rolling down the 40+ foot dune).

Daaaw.

Happy 21st Adri. I hope your weekend was wonderful!

Striving After Wind

"Let each of us examine his thoughts; he will find them wholly concerned with the past or the future. We almost never think of the present, and if we do think of it, it is only to see what light is throws on our plans for the future. The present is never our end. The past and the present are our means, the future alone our end. Thus we never actually live, but hope to live, and since we are always planning how to be happy, it is inevitable that we should never be so." Blaise Pascal, Pensées

I've been reading Ecclesiastes this week. It is so profound, and brings rest to my soul. It is a book that speaks to the essence of our very being as humans. Our questions, our fears, and our weariness. I think it boldly, but also rejoicingly speaks to those of us who experience depression, anxiety, fear and those who live in darkness. 

"There is nothing better for a man than to eat and drink and tell himself that his labor is good. This also I have seen that it is from the hand of God" Ecclesiastes 2:24.

There are several times in Ecclesiastes where the teacher mentions eating and drinking, or feasting. And he sees that this joy is from the hand of God. He says, “Vanity, vanity, everything is vanity!” (1:2) It is all complete meaningless, everything is. We strive after wind. The Hebrew word for vanity means a vapor, a smoke; temporary, floating; enigma, paradox. Our lives are a vapor, it's temporary, and it's damn paradoxical. We live in vain when we live for ourselves in our bubbles that we believe are external afflictions and unnecessary pains because we live in a world that does not eat and drink and thinks their labor is good! 

And the teacher totally understands this well. He says, “What do people really get for all their hard work? I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end. So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can. And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God.”

I think we do it well, very little of our lifetime. We come home from work exhausted and pissed because we have to do it again the next day, instead of being happy and thankful that we even got to have a job today! I love Pascal's quote - "...we never actually live, but hope to live..." 

Our life, our labor, our burdens, are gifts from God, believe it, or not. 

Even in our suffering (James 1).

In contrast with the popular belief of our culture.

We are not meant for this world. 

"If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world" C.S. Lewis.

For myself, when I decide to have this perspective - to thank God for every detail of my life -- the sufferings, the growth, the sanctification; my family& friends, the roof over my head, the food I eat and the water I drink, the job I have and my coworkers - I am much more joyful and happy. I am truly thankful for this all! (And this perspective is so easy to lose.)

In a documentary I watched with the roommate the other day, called "Happy," they documented the country of Japan. They've coined a term there called "karoshi": death from overwork; an occupational sudden death. After the devastation of Japan's bombings in WWII, the people of Japan built their city from the ground up. They were working up to 12 hour days, six to seven times a week. They would suddenly die without any previous signs of illness.

Karoshi is a sign of the lack of living. Because all they did/do is work.

Ecclesiastes speaks to me because not only can I live in the midst of my labor, but I can have hope in things eternal. Because when this life is over, it's not in vain. It was for the Lord. <3

Today I drove to Pacific City for a birthday weekend. I arrived early to have solitude and to enjoy the creation of God. Tonight and tomorrow I will do the same. I will feast with friends and rejoice in Adri's 21st! Here are some photo highlights:

I'm Sorry

To whom it may concern,

I'm so, so, so sorry. I am a huge mess, a blown up bomb of a disaster. I can't begin to understand myself and put me back together. I am confused, lost and lonely, yet I am also joyful, independent and free. I can't reconcile the two sides of myself. I can't find a balance, and I can't contain the anxiousness of life's potential that lives within me. I live on the edge, and I yearn for stability. Stability is not normal for me and I have yet to be trained how to become a stable human being. I'm here and there, and then here, and then back there again.

Maybe I'm crazy.

There is a deep pain within me to know I've hurt you. Twice now. There's no way I can ever know if this hurt could have been avoided. Distance is a killer. It slowly kills any potential there could ever be. I am not made for distance. I am not made to live in lack of presence. It is extremely unfortunate for us both that I am a confused crazylady.

Maybe I also have a fear of being loved well. Because you loved me well. The best, actually. Never have I felt as cherished as I did when you loved me. I had never felt so sanctified when being so close to someone. I have never been in a relationship as real as ours. I'm afraid of love, and the vulnerability that comes with it.

I didn't know this about myself until you. I'm so, so sorry that it had to be you that needed to happen to me for me to figure this out. I have no clue if I'll ever find anyone like you. I hope I do. But I'm not as hopeful right now. You are one amazing guy, you really are. I can't believe I've rejected such a gift. But it's a gift I seriously don't deserve right now. I have so much to learn, and so much to figure out.

I'm sorry for the hurt I've caused you. I'm sorry for the frustration you feel, and the defeat you have encountered. But one thing I do know.

"Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:2-5.

I know you are suffering. I am. And scripture is probably not something you want to hear right now. But what hope we have, in Jesus Christ! We don't have to live in suffering forever, because Jesus Christ died for us. Suffering is redemptive because we have been redeemed through the suffering of Christ. We should find hope in this, and not in each other, because we are sinners who will always let each other down.

I'm sorry that I'm a sinner. But rejoice in the better hope you have. Jesus Christ. He is the one who is worth it. 

Monica

Selfish and True Love

I've been in a huge daze over celebrating the holidays. The season came so quickly and felt so unholiday-like. The festivities seemed much more minimal, I didn't bake any amazing holiday cheesecakes or cookies, and worked a buttload - including Christmas. Yeah, this holiday season was not the average American Christmas. But mine are never average, anyway. Probably more like below average, if such a thing exists...

Okay, so maybe I sound a bit pitiful. I am really not in a pitiful mood, nor have I been. Reflective would be a good word to describe the mood I've encountered in the last few months. A reflection on who I am, who God has made me, and who He is molding me into. I must admit, that upon this season and the loneliness that most people would expect me to feel, I have felt more joy and contentment more than ever. I think it's weird, too. I'm usually one to feel sorry for myself - feeling sorry that my entire immediate family is dispersed across the world and the fact that I'm pretty much alone for the holidays while everyone else is spending tons of quality time with their families. It's okay, though. God is bringing stability very powerfully into my life.

It's easy to find ways in which you are different from everyone else, because, well, everyone is different from everyone. Right? So we sit in our "woe-is-me" chair and sulk in the reflection of how our lives suck so much more than anyone else's life. "Suck it, world!" I've said that several times, but probably with more angst and with much more words than that. For me, it's so easy to get stuck in Monica World. It's all about me, it's what I don't have, it's what I want, how people are treating me; "why this? why that? what about me, God!?" It's normal. Yup, it really is.

But not for me this time.

I didn't say much of those words this time around. I won't lie, though, I did one day. But just one day, and very briefly. Reflecting back on the holiday season, I can say this is a huge step for me. I'm pretty sure I spent at least two straight days last year, crying and sulking during Christmas week because I felt so alone. I didn't cry once this year! Hip, hip, hoorah! 

I think I know why.

God has created me to be selfless. It is a call to love. While working in the food/retail/coffee industry these past 7 months, I am learning what it means to be selfless. Huge lessons are learned such as the one I posted in "Ah, the joys of Starbucks Partnerhood." I am learning who I am in this culture that  I was raised in, and slowly and gallantly discovering how being a Christian is not even close to my culture at all! Sheesh, our American culture screams, "I am selfish!" We are the fastest, most effective country, each on a mission to be successful and to reach gloriousness because we have our entitlements to live in the pursuit of happiness, while at the same time we seem to leave others in the dust of our endeavors, most of the time leaving others unhappy, and unloved. What good is it to only live for ourselves? I've discovered that it is no good. And so my conclusion to my progress is that I've had much more of a desire to put others before myself, and reevaluating my days to make sure that I have. It's not always a successful day, but everyday only gets better and better. 

Serving others makes me a much more happier human being.

And I like it.

Now that it's a new year, I want to make this a goal (resolution?) of mine. To serve others better, and to think about others more than I think about myself. This will be super hard for me. But Lord be with me, because only He will carry me through this impossible endeavor.