My life is looking completely different.
100%, 180 degree, flipped upside down.
Transition, change, new, different, adjustments, contentment, discontentment.
More discontentment.
In the last couple of weeks I suddenly feel the weight of all the new in my life. Moving from the wild city to the pleasant suburbs in a spankin' new state, then transferring my job to this spankin' new state, adjusting to a life with a married couple and their two children, whilst realizing over and over that the things that were three months ago will never be what they were again.
Sheesh.
I knew immediately that life would be a challenge when I moved to Vancouver. Mostly because I'd be living the "family life" and that God was calling me away from my independence. Oh, how much independence is so a part of me. I've come to a place where I feel extremely discontent, and weak. I'm usually able to muster up enough strength to find contentment, but these last few weeks have been horrible. I've come to feel a sense of loneliness, and sometimes even forgotten. My community resides in Portland, and yet here I am twenty minutes away, attempting to build another community in somewhat of a foreign land to me. Sometimes I feel as if life is happening to everyone else but me. Engagements, marriages, babies, new jobs, new friends, new endeavors. I feel stuck. Like I'm not supposed to be where I am. Like I made the wrong decisions, and that I'm failing, failing, failing at life. Slowly but surely, I'll get there. To the bottom. Sometimes I feel like I'm almost there.
But...
Then I remember the truth.
I mean, really. When I think about the whole thing, and read over what I just wrote, I can hear the voice of God saying, "Just trust me."
And when I hear his voice, I remember that every single day I get to see is a gift from my Savior, and He is ultimately EVERYTHING I need. And so often my heart wanders to the depths of my flesh where the dreams of the world sing melodies of dark depression. But I can be thankful. I can live in the Spirit of Him who dwells within me. The same Spirit that raised Christ from the dead. Yes, that Spirit lives in me.
"For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are the Sons of God. For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, "Abba, Father!" The Spirit himself testifies with our Spirit that we are children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him. For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us... " Romans 8:14-18.I have to step back, look at these past two months here in Vancouver, and thank God. Thank you, God. Seriously, I could not be more blessed than I am right now in this season of my life. Even though these transitions are a rough patch, I can find strength in Christ to endure them. And when I think about how blessed I am, and when I rest in Christ, it's not so bad after all. It's actually really good. Because when you trust God, everything is really good. It is. It really, really is. I have nothing to complain about. Pouting is way too easy to do when expectations are set by the human will. My humanity, anyway, sets expectations sky high. I've found that no expectation is good, except for the expecting of God to lead me. It's uncomfortable at times, a little, or a lot, of out my hands, out of my reach, and beyond me. But that's where I'd rather be -- in God's hands.
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| Celebrations of engagements, going to college, of Christ. |
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| The body of Christ and our love for one another. |
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| Children and their childlike faith. |
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| God's beautiful creation. |
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| And of course, Country Music :) |
