Majestic

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It's too wonderful. 

Pacific City

Kiwanda Cape

September 27, 2014

Holy

After All (Holy) - David Crowder Band
I can't comprehend your infinitely beautiful and perfect love
Oh I've dreamed dreams of majesty as brilliant as a billion stars
But they're never bright enough after all

You are Holy
Oh Holy
Holy, Holy, Holy

I will sing a song for you my God with everything I have in me
But it's never loud enough after all

You are Holy
Oh Holy
Holy, Holy, Holy

Heaven and earth are full, full of your glory, glory
My soul it overflows full of your glory, your glory
Oh blessed is he who reigns, full of your glory, your glory
My cup, it can't contain all of your glory, your glory
Hosanna we are found after all you are

Holy
Oh Holy
Holy, Holy, Holy

I can't comprehend
You're infinitely beautiful

Lost Creek & Ramona Falls | Tribute to Summer 2014

   The Quezada's and I decided to go camping last weekend at the foothills of Mt. Hood (that there mountain you see in majesty, above). Beautiful, beautiful weekend to go. I thought summer was finally settling down for the year, and that fall had suddenly just become. It's only because the Clackamas River was too cold to swim in a couple weeks ago in Gladstone. I swore the weather changed in under 24 hours. But I was tragically wrong. The summer was in full force last weekend at a beautiful 95 in fahrenheit, and we had the cool mountain breeze to wipe away the sweat as we hiked a good four hour journey to Ramona Falls. 

Our fellowship was sweet. We were joined by newlyweds, Jesse and Brittany Califf for the first night as well. A lot of worship and scripture reading, and good laughs.

She got her wedding ring fixed! :D

We crossed this raging river. 

We found huge logs that continued a trend of sticking out of our camp fire. 

Our water well...

iPhone Photos

My new Diet Coke sub.

Brokenness Aside

Sermon Excerpt by Jonathan Edwards

"Love to God will dispose a man to give honor to God. Love will dispose to worship and adore him, heartily to acknowledge his greatness and glory and dominion. So love will dispose to all acts of obedience to God. The servant who loves his master, and the subject who loves his prince, will be disposed to proper subjection and obedience. Love will dispose a person to behave towards God as a child to a father. Under difficulties, to resort to God for help and to put their trust in him. It is natural for persons in cases of need or affliction to go to those whom they love for pity and help. They who love God will be disposed to give credit to his work and to put confidence in him. Men are not apt to suspect the veracity of those for whom they have entire friendship. So love will dispose men to praise God for the mercies they receive from him. Men are disposed to gratitude for any kindness they receive from those they love. Love will dispose the heart to submission to the will of God. Persons are more willing that the will of those whom they love should be done than that of others. They naturally desire that those whom they love should be pleased, and things should be agreeable to them. A true love and esteem of God will dispose the heart to acknowledge God's right to govern, and that he is worthy of it; and so will dispose it to submit. Love to God will dispose to walk humbly with God. For he that loves God will be disposed to acknowledge the distance there is between God and him. 

It will be agreeable to him who loves God to exalt him and set him on high above all, and to lie low before him. A true Christian delights to have God exalted in his abasement, because he loves God. He is willing to own that God is worthy of this; and it is with delight that he casts himself in the dust before God, because he loves God." - Jonathan Edwards, Love the Sum of all Virtue, "Charity and its Fruits: Living in the Light of God's Love."

Ridiculous & Harmful

Lately, for me, there has been a good amount of meditating on being a Christian in this day and age. I have thought several occasions, especially browsing through my facebook feed, that being a Christian and sharing the Gospel of Jesus Christ, is taboo. I often think and wonder if people truly know what the gospel really is, and that it's not ridiculous or harmful to society, but that if we truly understood it, our world would look extremely and positively different.

The thing is, the gospel involves a kind of thing called sin that has cursed humanity since the fall. You know, that time when Eve ate of the forbidden tree in the Garden of Eden? When she deliberately chose to eat of the one tree God told her not to eat from? The only one?

We (humanity) are like sheep that have gone astray. Each of us have turned to our own ways (Is. 53:6).

It's kind of sad. I mean, that we would rather have our own way. Wretched, wretched sinners who want their own way.

Yes, that's me.

I despise my way. But in the moment when I turn away from God, it seems so nice. It seems so delicious, like that fruit, like that one fruit. Heart beating fast, running for goodness in the opposite direction. There is adrenaline, visions of greatness, wonder, beauty; bam. Then, nakedness. How did I suddenly become so aware of my sin?

It is always one thing or another. But when the entanglement of all of my sin becomes wrapped around me, I can hardly breathe. Gasping. Gasping. Gasping for air. For Jesus, my Savior. 

I reach out with everything in me. Tears that have been wiped all across my face, "Jesus!" 

Jesus I need you. 

Guilt, shame, condemnation, bitterness, anger, discontentment -- disappear in the presence of Jesus. It all disappears. 

Then love. Unconditional, forgiving, gracious and merciful, compassionate love. The love of my Savior, Jesus Christ. 

He is sooooooooo good. So wonderful.

The Confusion

I think the confusion with those who have a hard time understanding Christianity, is that they are confused by a people who are wretched sinners, reaching their hands up to a Savior who reaches back and saves them. 

What they don't understand is that Christianity isn't about the people. 

It's about God. It's about Jesus. 

"All of us like sheep have gone astray

Each of us has turned to his own way.
But the LORD has caused the iniquity of us all
to fall on Him" (Isaiah 53:6).

This verse is the Gospel. It's Jesus crucified on the cross for our sins. It's salvation. 

Redemption, redemption, redemption. Amen, amen, amen. 

"He was despised and forsaken of men,

A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief;

And like one from whom men hide their face

He was despised, and we did not esteem Him" (Isaiah 53:3).

I guess it's confusing to tell other people they're sinners when we live in a culture that is swimming in entitlements. We are Americans, I guess. When I tell someone they're a sinner, I'm simply telling them we're the same. We're alike. We're both sinners. We both need Jesus. But people don't like that.

But needing & wanting are two different things, too. I need Him and I want Him. He makes it all beautiful in the end. He takes our brokenness aside, he leaves all of our crap at the door and sees us for who we are. He knows the innermost parts of our beings. He forgives, he gives grace and loves us unconditionally.

Love Will Dispose

"Love will dispose to worship and adore him, heartily to acknowledge his greatness and glory and dominion. So love will dispose to all acts of obedience to God."

Everything Jonathan Edwards says what love will dispose us to, is a sanctifying work in every Christian. Every single person who says they believe that Jesus is God, they are a work in progress. None of us have it on straight. None of us know it all.

We are still naked, and we know it.

We are still ashamed in our sinful natures and strive to be holy, like God is holy. Our righteousness is not from us, but from God. Our self-righteousness is not from God, but from ourselves.  God is the one who makes us holy. We can do nothing but love God with our entirety, and to love others as Christ has loved us.

Plain and simple.  And as simple as it is, the struggle can still be real because, we are like sheep. We want our own way. 

And so I understand the taboo-ness of the nature in sharing the "good news," or the Gospel. I totally get it. But just know, that I don't have it all together. I'm in no way perfect or better than anyone. I just want to want Jesus Christ more than anything in the world. When my own ways don't cloud my bitter judgement for my life, Jesus is always better. 

And like Jesus, I take your brokenness aside. I want to see you and love you just as you are, because that's what Jesus does. And he loves you and looks at you wholly different than I do. But I try, anyway. And I hope you can understand that. 

Back to the Aina

**Note: I wrote this blog over a month ago upon returning from my visit to Hawaii, but I am only posting it now.

There's no place like home.

It's been almost four years since I've stepped foot onto the soil of America's paradise called Hawaii. The 80 degrees of its humid air, combined with the tropical breeze that so gently hits you when you land, is priceless. The palm trees and the bright blue sky are a breath of fresh air. The sunlight beckons to kiss your skin, and you welcome it. 

"Please, give me rest," you ask the sun. Your chin is lifted up and your eyes begin to close softly to the warm embrace of the Hawaiian sun. You take a deep breath, and the stillness of the moment is peace and calm amongst the busyness that is commotion around you. A sigh, and deep relief. "I'm home."

It is where the heart is.

There is something so deeply real about going home. And not just home, but to a place where life had been lived years ago, only to find this past life a vapor in the wind. A mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes (James 4:14). For me it is also a place of humble, humble, beginnings. I was only beginning to walk, and only beginning to see the vastness of God's gracious character and his sanctification in my life. I can only reminisce about the good parts when I am not there, and imagine the beauty of the oceans there, the deep and light hues of blue combined with majestic waves that move them. The grandness of the mountains and exotic flowers that never stop growing. The comfort of the sun scorching your body while you lie paralyzed on the sand after an adventurous session with the sea. 

But something changed as I stepped off of the plane last month. I had heard God's voice before, but it was so very clear this time. Hawaii is no longer my home. The first time I had heard it I weeped uncontrollably in the car on the way to the airport. Last month I came and I felt very little connection to the island. I came as a tourist this time, and my heart became almost hardened to this place, a place I once knew and loved and called my home. Life does not live on there for me, now. How intensely odd it is. 

I remember driving and not knowing my way around anymore; not recognizing streets I had driven on hundreds of times before. I remember driving by a place I used to live and it having no meaning to me. I had an apathy towards it all. I certainly didn't care. I wanted to go back to Portland soon.

I felt restless. And it was an agonizing kind of restlessness.

Why did I choose to live on elsewhere? This place, Hawaii, has so much meaning to me. It is, and has been the essence of my life -- being from Hawaii almost defined me. It was a part of who I was. I used to love driving in slightly horrible traffic while listening to Hawaiian reggae, I loved the ghetto bus stops and graffiti, the humidity, the gigantic asian population, and spam musubi's. I loved every single Japanese tourist and loved hating the caucasian ones. I embraced the fact that I grew up on the 'aina. 

I'm not sure where I stand anymore. I'm just not quite certain.

Where is home, exactly?

Going back reminds me of what looking forward means. Where will "home" be next? Does home even exist here on earth? If heaven is our home, when we get there will we ever look back and think that the earth was the most amazing place? How could I experience and embrace this tropical paradise and look back and say, "meh." I can't imagine being with Jesus for eternity and looking towards earth and sighing in fond memories, rather than embracing the magnificence of the streets made of gold. I imagine heaven to be much more. Heaven must be so glorious. So majestic. So beautiful. To look on Jesus' face all the time? Ah! How could we look upon our lives now and miss it when we get to be in His presence all the time? This world shares with us a few glimpses of heaven, but oh, how earth is always a downhill of broken dreams and selfish endeavors.

There is a lot of pain and grief in this world. We are all slowly dying by the minute, physically. People die everyday. There is sickness and disease, violence, anger, disaster, destruction. I am anxious to live where there will be no more tears, no sickness or pain, but where there is a deep, meaningful joy and celebration in worship. Contentment.

To be with Jesus.

To be home.

For Real

Admittedly, I've forsaken this blog like I usually do with all other blogs I've created. But this is not the end, no! It shall never be, I hope. So I find that pictures are quite uncomplicated and easy to post as they are clicks of a button, USB'd to my laptop, simply uploaded without an ounce of critical thinking or soul searching. Finding words to write exactly what I dare to deliberately consider with the world, the introspection I process everyday becomes jumbled at the moment I face this screen.

Nevertheless, here I am, attempting...

I find myself trapped in the words of the author of Ecclesiastes: "Vanity of vanities! All is vanity!" The sun comes up, then the sun goes down. Wearied from the day serving brew to decaffeinated and hastened humanity; a smile seems like an old fad that has faded, and slumber is the most beautiful part of your day. And even there, solitary companionship. Vanity.

Nothing makes your days go by slower then the deafening sound of your heart racing towards your pillow. There is no one and nothing there beside it. Just you. Just your down-comforter, and the ceiling is a nice view. Just, so nice.

There's that one thing besides Jesus that satisfaction desires to be found in. A companion that opens the door after a long day of work ready to eat a meal that you so proudly and joyfully made just for him. A partner to listen to as they process their day, and to pray with for even the small details that life is distracted with. A hiking partner on the weekends, a reading partner at the coffee shop, company while you drive, a friend on spontaneous adventures. A person who is there when life seems to become, well, vain.

Honestly, this is my one prayer. That all I need at the end of the day, is Jesus Christ.

I strive everyday.
I strive to be selfless.
I strive to be a servant.
I strive to be grateful.
I strive, and I strive, and I strive.

And in light of the seemingly long days at Starbucks, and in the place in which I come home to, striving can be quite easy. It is no bother to think about the things that I want. I have no trouble sulking in my tears, wallowing in my self-pity, and wounding my soul with lies in the isolation of my bedroom. Everything there is between God and me, and that's where it gets real.

God and I have this ongoing fight in which I end up quite bitter. I'm not entirely sure why this subject seems to be so difficult. Just give me what I want, good Lord. I'm tired of fighting. I really am. She's got it over there, look he's pursuing her over here, oh my, they're engaged. Love is in the air; let's oooh and ahhh.

Puke.
Sigh.
Frown.

Just think Monica, whenever God brings you your husband, it'll be His good and perfect timing. You'll think to yourself, "Wow, self, this is the best timing ever!"

But this is the perfect time. My time. I have been patient. I have persevered. I deserve this. Give it now!

Please, Lord. Tell me. When?

I honestly think these things, often. Maybe too often nowadays. Reading my inner voice typed up on this screen screams out, "Selfish! Impatient! Idolatry!" I am a horrible person. Who am I to question?

I repent.

Usually I have this huge revelation on my blog about how I should remember what is good, what is righteous, and what is holy. How suffering is good, how Jesus is even better.

And it's true. Jesus is so, so good. But it's in times like these where I have to be true to myself.

I'm hurting. I'm confused.

And it's okay.

There's a peace about this struggle that leads me closer to Him. And even in the midst of suffering, I follow Jesus through it all, even when I fight with him. I follow Him because I trust Him.

I've been extremely blessed by a hymn we've been singing on Sundays at The Gathering Church. It's called Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah. A few of the lyrics:

"Guide Me O, Thou Great Jehovah
Pilgrim through this barren land,
I am weak but thou art mighty
Hold me with thy powerful hand. 

Bread of Heaven
Feed me now and evermore. 

... 

When I tread the verge of Jordan
Bid my anxious fears subside
Death of death and hell's destruction
Land me safe on Canaan's side 

O, to finally say goodbye
Bid my anxious fears, bid my anxious fears
Land me safe on Canaan's side
Bid my anxious fears, bid my anxious fears goodbye."

I am in no place to set aside my doubts and fears. I am in a place where I must take my doubts and fears and trust God with them. I'm anxious, I'm tired, I'm emotionally exhausted. I am weak, and feel like I'm walking through a barren land. Hold me Jesus, with your powerful hand!

Help me, Lord. Bid my anxious fears goodbye.

Coastal Journeys

There are those drives you take on your commute to work; there are those you take in your sweats to the store for a quick chocolate/soda/junk food run. Maybe even a drive around the country to get away. But then there are those drives you take with 12 other friends in a white suburban to the Oregon Coast -- and those seem to be the best kind. On Sunday, our road trip to Astoria, Oregon was a special occasion. And it was intensely enjoyable, delivered with laughter and love and Jesus. Fort Stevens, wrecked ships, ducks and gooses, running (lots of it), the great majestic ocean, bumper cars, pizza, Dutch Bros., and great, great company, including Brian Reagan himself.

These four endured close quarters the entire way and back.

Motherbear and Jesse.

 

It's cool, but really, not that cool.

This is the Goonies House. 

Brooke, ladies and gentlemen.

A beautiful, foggy, Astoria afternoon.

Astoria Column -- spiral staircase to the top of the tower.

View from the top of the Astoria Column.

The ladies.

Paper airplanes.

The Orthies.

Of course you need Monica's feet in a picture :D

When Brooke was a model.

This was Tim's first experience to the Oregon Coast!

Al.

Janet and Annie in mid air??

Amen.